November 13, 2024 ; Would I run off the world someday?
And I was runnin' far awayWould I run off the world someday?
Nobody knows, nobody knows
And I was dancing in the rain
I felt alive and I can't complain
I finally managed to cry yesterday, thanks to Nina the Starry Bride. I've been watching the anime and the last episode ended on a cliffhanger, so I decided to finally read the manga. It's wonderful! I'm definitely a huge fan of Sett. There's something about the loneliness in the manga, the yearning to be saved, the heartache, feeling like your existence hurts people and wanting to distance yourself from everyone, while also desperately wanting someone to fight for you and love you... I couldn't help but cry. And I feel like it broke through the dam I had been building since the election, and now the tears have been flowing freely and it's felt so liberating again. I just want to cry away all the stress and anxiety. My tears are the most welcome and comforting thing to me. They prove to me that I'm feeling something, that something has moved me emotionally, that I am alive.
I made the mistake of watching a video last night of T man talking about upending the entire higher education system, and it terrified me. I work at a public university in a blue state, and I became so fearful that he would change things so much that there would be layoffs and I could lose my job. But! So the dean of my department sent out an email last week, detailing his fears and anxieties after the election. It was so vulnerable that it inspired me to share with him some of my fears too. I also asked him about the validity of my anxiety - would there be mass layoffs since T man vowed to go after higher ed? And my dean assuaged my fears so much that I just started crying out of relief.
So, I guess we'll see how things go. In another bout of depressing news, my boss is probably going to retire next year. I don't know what that means for me. I feel like my future at my department will heavily depend on what kind of supervisor I end up with.